Mowgli

Patience

There is one thing that is certain. If you don't have patience, life will be that much more difficult. I'm finding that the most difficult thing right now is just getting back to being me. I will admit I haven't been Ashlee full force for quite some time. But this time is just different. Every month after about two days I can usually jump right back up on my feet and get ready for the next challenge. Not the case this time. A portion of this would be due to my short experience on bed rest. I admire those who have actually experienced a severe case of bed rest, I don't know how they do it! I felt I handled it pretty well.. had to get out my patience wand a few times as a reminder though. And let's not forget about the wonderful friends that would often visit to keep me company. That definitely helped. The challenge now is being able to walk more than a block without getting exhausted. When I exert myself I definitely pay for it afterwards, but if I don't do it, how will I get better. My next concern is my sleeping. Anyone who knows me knows that sleep is a strong suit of mine! Now when I toss and turn in bed until after midnight each night I'm finding that's no longer true. Let's hope this doesn't last long. Then there is the ultimate challenge... getting through the day without wanting to cry. I'm definitely a sensitive person, but wow this is on a whole other level. I was in talking to a few co-workers at Contents yesterday and they asked how I was doing. I had to concentrate so hard on what I could say without breaking into tears. Now I succeeded, but it wasn't smooth and I often leave people hanging without them actually knowing what's really going on or how I'm feeling. Anyhow I keep telling myself that it just takes patience and time.

20 steps to recovery... Maybe?

Lately I find myself not knowing what to do or sometimes even what to think or feel. Essentially ‘lost’ would be a good word. Do you ever start thinking about stuff and then find yourself thinking that you shouldn’t be thinking about that? It seems as though I need to find less time to think. I’m currently working on this acception of not being able to have children in the way that 75% of women have children. I am in fact part of the 25% group.. It’s actually quite a large group. And when you’re in this group how do you know how far you should go? When do you stop at ‘no’ this isn’t going to happen for you? I’m trying to tell myself that this ‘end’ is when I hyperstimulated and didn’t end up pregnant after 18 months. But there’s that tiny inkly that thinks... BUT... What if... And then I stop myself. Do you want to be in this same spot again? I think my main problem is also worrying about what other people might think. I’ve had symptoms of this my whole life. I think it’s a common one though... Worrying about what other people think.

One minute I’m fine the next minute I’m not. One minute adoption is the answer... But is it domestic? International? Infant? Toddler? Siblings? ... Well which country is it going to be? Which costs the least? Don’t think like that. Which way is the least stressful and time intensive? Is that even possible? So that brings me to my next minute... IVF. Seems more simple .. You get pregnant have a normal pregnancy like everyone else .. You know you have 9 months to prepare. But wait let’s not forget the process to get pregnant and the fact that it costs more than $15,000. Will I end up with more baby than my body can handle? Will I go through many more unsuccessful cycles? Will I hyperstimulate.. AGAIN?

So guess where I’m at with this? Nowhere really. There’s a vacation to Vegas in the works. A bathroom remodel on the mind. A cat that still loves me. A husband that feels the same way I do. And most frequently... Too much thinking.